FMA Yearbook
by alchemicmonkey
Summary: A realy random documentation of the life of FMA characters from kindergarten up through college... if I get that far. Yes it is random and stupid, and yes I am including myself as a character. Enjoy! TEMPORARILY POSTPONED UNTIL THE GODSEND TRILOGY IS DONE
1. Kindergarten

It was a very blustery day in the Hundred-Acre-Woods, and… oh, this isn't a Winnie the Pooh story? What? Fullmetal Alchemist? All right, if you insist…

Still, it was very windy today… that day… whatever… so all the little kids in kindergarten stayed inside for recess because they were scared the wind was going to blow them all to infinity and beyond… or at least to Xing. Izumi strode into the classroom and pounded her hand on the desk, instantly shutting everyone up.

"Okay kids. Today I'm going to teach you how to cut up meat properly for sale in a shop. My husband Sig will be helping." She said.

"Can I cut up the fat kid who ate my plastic knife?" Barry the Chopper whined. Gluttony grinned and hungrily eyed the glue bottle across the room.

"Teacher, Winry's sleeping again!" Rose cried. Winry unconsciously chucked a plastic wrench you get with those stupid little mechanic playthings from target or whatever at her. Edward and Alphonse sat at their little table, discussing possible ways to resurrect their mom.

"I think we should use alchemy." Edward said firmly.

"I'm sticking with the Frankenstein theory." Alphonse retorted, sticking out his tongue. The two started fighting, so Izumi threw her cleaver in their direction and gave them a time out.

Roy pulled out his beloved sharpie mini and began drawing on Havoc's face. Riza and Sheska sat quietly at their table, discussing the stupidity of the author of the Scarlet Letter because he described the same damn tree three different times or whatever then killed the priest man in one short sentence. Christin hunched over a piece of paper, furiously drawing a portrait requested by Lust. She reached for another Crayola, but Gluttony was too quick for her.

"Gluttony ate my crayons!!" she whined, ready to burst into tears.

Just then, the principal, Furher Wrath, walked into the room. His secretary, Fuery, and personal driver, Fallman, followed him meekly, mostly because they had nothing else to do. "It's time for your class to go to Phys. Ed." He stated before waltzing out of the room, singing the Veronicas' "Untouched" in a very horrid, off-key tone.

Scar, Yoki, Russell and Lin ignored everything because they were having tons of fun writing dirty fanfictions about Roy and Ed, so they did not go to Phys. Ed. with the rest of the class.

Coach Armstrong blew sharply on his shiny silver whistle. The little midgets began running laps around the track outside when suddenly Prince Zuko appeared.

"I'm looking for the avatar." He said very dramatically.

"You're in the wrong fanfic." Greed snapped. "Anyway, this 'avatar' should be mine, like everything else." Zuko walked away and vanished from this fanfiction.

"You must run faster, my little pygmy students, or you will never get such overly buff muscles like mine!" Coach Armstrong barked, ripping off his shirt and flexing. Envy morphed into an exact copy. "Well done, Envy!" Envy smirked and wandered off to get a drink from the water fountain clear across the schoolyard. Pride has too much pride and will not be in this fanfic, so we'll just say he has a cold or something and Sloth is still working, even though he's in kindergarten, so he won't be showing up either.

The janitor, Hughes, was busy cleaning up puke in the boys' bathroom because Gluttony got sick from eating too many crayons and glue bottles. His mouth had been glued shut, so he kinda snotted puke out his nose, which made all the guys laugh and all the girl's cringe in disgust, except Christin, who found it very funny indeed because she's weird like that.

After a grueling workout, the class tromped to the 'dining hall' for lunch. Maria Ross, the lunch lady, was too lazy to cook anything extravagant, claiming that they were 'just kids', and severed everyone a nice, big, heaping plate of leftover chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese. The choice beverage was milk. Ed got mad at the milk carton and tossed it behind him. It hit Roy's head. A massive food fight broke out and soon chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and partially dissected frogs from biology class were flying around the room. Rose, Winry, Sheska, Al and Fletcher stealthily crawled their way out of the brawl in hopes that they wouldn't get detention.

Hughes was left to clean up the mess.

After lunch, everyone went to biology. All the boys got major nosebleeds (which we all know means getting turned on in manga) because they thought their teacher, Ms. Psiren, was hot. They finished dissecting the remnants of the frogs that had wound up in the food fight, except Lust, Envy, Greed and Gluttony, cuz, like the little fat pig he is, Gluttony ate the frog, despite its cries for a 'Miss Piggy'.

At that moment, four psychotic penguins named Skipper, Rico, Kowalski, and Private, burst into the room and began karate chopping everyone. Rico regurgitated a bomb and blew up half the building, resulting in everyone going home early.

Breda the Bus Driver sighed as the screaming twerps smooshed onto the big Twinkie-like vehicle. His route lasted only an hour, but it felt like a bazillion years. Roy and Havoc got off first since their house was closest to the school. Then came the Homunculi, Rose, Winry, Scar and Yoki, Russell and Fletcher, Sheska, Barry, Lin, Ed and Al and Christin. The last three lived in an orphanage because Ed and Al's mom had died and their dad was off in Russia researching the Loch Ness Monster and dropped his cell phone from his hot-air balloon so was impossible to reach him and Christin because she just wound up here randomly one day. The three held hands as they approached the front door.

"Ah, my beloved pipsqueaks!" Kimblee cooed, opening the door. The three jumped and clutched each other in fear. Ed completely forgot to get mad about being called a pipsqueak. "How nice of you to finally join me! But you three are four seconds late, and you know what that means." Kimblee was known for being one of the meanest (and strangest) matrons in the entire city.

"W-what?" Al squeaked. But they knew he was going to punish them.

"Let's see… this time, your punishment will be… having to watch Pinako and me lemon for two hours." He grinned evilly.

"Nooooooooo!!!" the kids wailed as they were dragged inside and strapped to a couch to watch the (in their minds) horrible scene.


	2. First Grade

Once upon a time, long long ago – _my apologies. The person writing the openings to these stories needed a serious brain transplant, so I personally replaced his brains with a wombat's. The openings will be written by someone new, who hopefully doesn't suck as much. Now let's try this again… _ Are ya ready kids? Aye aye captain! I can't hear you! AYE AYE CAPTAIN!! Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants! *continues to sing Spongebob opening theme*

Ed slouched over at the bus stop. He had stayed up all night reading ridiculous fanfictions online and didn't do his English homework.

"What did you write about in your paper, Ed?" Christin asked sweetly. He attempted to skewer her with his eyes, but it didn't work.

"Well, if I did write it, I would've written about how getting automail surgery sucks, but I didn't write it, so there." He spat.

"You didn't do that over summer vacation; that was yesterday!" Al corrected, his new armor clanking as he sat next to him. "I wrote about how we took a vacation to Yock Island."

"I hate these stupid 'What I Did over Summer Break' essays. We do them every year!!" Christin growled.

"We're only in first grade." Ed pointed out. "This is the first time we had to do them."

"I'm practicing for when we get into higher grades and still have to write about the same freaking thing, 'What I Did over Summer Break'. Bleck!" she stuck out her tongue. "I just wanna graduate high school and begin my career as a manga artist and secret fanfiction writer." She gushed.

"Hurry up and get in! I'm gonna miss Oprah." Breda the Bus Driver barked. The three scrambled on the bus. Ed and Al snagged the last empty seat, leaving Christin to sit with Roy. He tried hitting on her and she punched him in the nose. She put in her headphones and turned up her ipod volume to max and ignored every one else. After being dropped off at school, everyone went to the playground to… play… before school actually started.

Scar pushed Rose off a swing and Winry beat him up. Gluttony and Sloth sat around on their fat butts and stared blankly into space. Lust was fixing her hair in a compact while Envy tormented anyone he could get his hands on. Lanfan and May Chang played in the sandbox, only to be interrupted by Lin collapsing from hunger right in the middle of heir sand castle. At first they were going to cry, but changed their minds and decided to bury him. Riza was showing Sheska how to fire a slingshot and Ed and Al practiced their alchemy. Roy had vanished, probably snuck off somewhere to do who knows what with that sharpie mini he was so obsessed with. Yoki and Russell were drawing in the dirt with sticks while Fletcher stood by watching. Christin, at this point in time, was being chased by Envy. They ran in circles around the playground until Scar tripped her, making her do a faceplant. He and several other guys started laughing. Christin stood up and wiped bloody dirt off her cheek. She then started throwing any object within her reach at them, which included Alphonse's head and several rubber chickens.

The bell rang and the kids all went to class. Izumi was their teacher again and she instantly demanded their homework. "Christin, Edward, why didn't you turn anything in?" she asked menacingly.

"I didn't do it." Ed replied.

"Same here." Christin said.

"Copy cat!"

"Midget!" After several minutes of bickering and name calling, the two were put on a time out.

"Okay class, we're going to read Treasure Island. Take a book and open to page one." Izumi instructed. The class charged up to the front desk and fought over books. Halfway through the first chapter, half the class was asleep. Christin sneezed into her hand, leaving a glob of snot. When she was sure no one was watching, she wiped it on Scar's sleeve. Not that he would notice—he was out like a light.

Ed and Al continued to discuss alchemy while Winry tinkered with Rose's broken ipod. Yoki, Russell and Lin continued to write dirty fanfics about Ed and Roy, although they now included Al and Envy. Fletcher doodled absently on a piece of paper. Gluttony tried to eat the book, but didn't like it cuz it didn't taste like rubber chickens.

Math class really needs no description because everyone fell asleep and nothing was learned. But really – calculus at first grade? C'mon people!!

Music class was a disaster. Nobody sang the right song, or they got the words mixed up, or they were totally tone-deaf. Christin refused to sing because she hated the Dora the Explorer theme song.

History was almost as boring as math class. Nobody cared when George Washington was elected president because they lived in Amestris, not America. The brats took to lighting the useless history books on fire and roasted marshmallows, then sang the Campfire Song song twenty times in a row.

At lunch, half the kids got food poisoning because the Moo Goo Pork from the Xing restaurant down the street was a month old. Edward was among the poisoned and so got to leave school early. Some random kid in the third grade died suddenly and they all were sent home.

Roy discovered the dirty fanfics about him and Ed and started writing dirty fanfics about Yoki, Russell and Lin. Lanfan accidentally cut off her arm while brushing her hair and will spend the next week in the hospital. Because they arrived back at the orphanage early, Kimblee made Ed, Al, and Christin watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns until their bedtime.

And every day was pretty much the same until summer break, except there was no more food poisoning and no one died except the Mexican Llama Mariachi Band because they couldn't play an instrument and couldn't sing worth shit.


	3. Second Grade

*cue _The Lion King_ opening music. I actually have this as a ring tone on my cell – it's my alarm. Begin narration*

Roy was glad to start second grade. He would get to see all the pretty girls again… except that one girl who lived at the orphanage with the Elric's. She punched him once last year when he tried to ask her out. He never even bothered to learn her name. So he idly picked his nose while waiting for the stupid school bus. As luck would have it, he had to sit by Barry the Chopper, who missed first grade because he got the swine flu and shit little piggies for a year. The mass murderer incessantly asked the pyro if he could cut him up, but the almost-kinda-sorta-not really-but-almost colonel refused. Then Roy asked Barry if he wanted crack, but Barry declined politely. So Roy snorted crack and passed out while Barry played with razor blades.

Winry and Rose skipped merrily to school, escorted by their buddies Robin Hood (the fox) and Kangaroo Jack. Robin and Jack got in a fight and shot each other with big bazookas they pulled out of each other's asses. Winry skinned the corpses and Rose cooked them and they spent the entire day on the sidewalk, feasting on fox and kangaroo meat.

Riza and Sheska thought it would be fun to be ninjas instead of reading books and crap all the time, so they went around acting like Naruto and Sasuke ad skipped school because they started a game where they pissed off drivers stuck in traffic even more than they already were for being stuck in traffic and now they were going to be late for the big meeting to decide what other budgets they were going to cut from schools so the drivers used their kick-butt Transformer cars to chase Riza and Sheska. Then the Deceptacons and their new ally Sailor Moon attacked and all hell broke loose and every one forgot about school and budget cuts cuz it was like they were in a Transformer movie, only Shia LeBouf wasn't there which made the author only the smallest fraction (like, one gazillionth) of a bit sad, but she's okay because she's getting over her illness and is writing a stupid fanfiction.

The Homunculi all cut class the minute school started and snuck to the bathrooms to get wasted, so there's not much to say there. They got drunk and stuff happened. Use your imaginations, people!!

Izumi, who was their teacher yet again and probably will be for the remainder of this story, was at home vomiting blood everywhere, so Coach Armstrong was the sub.

Scar, Yoki, Russell, and Lin were still writing dirty fanfictions abut you know who already so I don't think I should have to mention it every single time.

Lanfan was still in the hospital after cutting off her arm while brushing her hair last year because she liked how the place smelled. May Chang didn't show up because she and Xiao Mei kidnapped Fletcher. They ran off before the author could ask what they were going to do, so I really have no story there. Hmm…

Breda the Bus Driver found a high Roy slumped over in the back seat of the bus, mumbling random crap about pirates, so he left him there and went to join Hughes, Maria Ross, Fuery, Fallman, Fuhrer Wrath, Coach Armstrong, and Psiren in the teachers lounge because they were going to have a Guitar Hero tournament and he wanted to win the prize – a dysfunctional robot named Gir and his alien pet named Zim.

Ed, Al, and Christin also cut school because they wanted to go see Napoleon Dynamite and Shrek 2, but they got busted by Kimblee and were forced to eat nothing but apple brownies. (Seriously, my friend Katie had to make apple brownies in her foods class at school one time and we spent a fair amount of time discussing the use of apples and chocolate. It was interesting.)

Basically, no one went to school this time.


	4. Third Grade

…so everyone died and the magical vampire smurf bunnies took over the world's vending machines, cruelly charging everyone fifty cents for everything inside, which made no sense because everyone was supposed to be… what? Oh, wrong story. Sorry.

There was a new girl at school. Her name was Armony (or whatever) and she had stupid pink hair and was in the third grade, like most of the characters. Lanfan was sent back to Xing because the FBI found out Lin was an illegal immigrant from Mexico and she went back to Scotland in his place, so Armony will be taking her place but this is all the air time she gets cuz she's stupid like that.

"You're so mean!!" she cried at the author. I smirked and confiscated her Futurama lunchbox, which was full of nothing but Skittles, which I hate, so I gave it back and she went to class.

Central Academy was well known for being one of the most prestigious schools in the city…except for this one particular class who never learned anything worthwhile but kept advancing through the grades anyway because I said so and I'm the one typing this thing so there.

_A moment of silence while the author makes toast by putting toast in the toaster and pushing the button. _(Actual instructions I gave my little cretin of a brother, then Katie corrected me by saying 'bread goes in the toaster, not toast'. True story. Ask her. She'll tell you it's true.)

Anyways… Yoki, Scar, Russell, and Lin stopped writing dirty fanfictions about Ed and Roy temporarily to write dirty fanfictions about each other because they came out and said they were gay and had started a love… square… whatever it's called… they're polyamorous, which, by the way, is a fantastic song by Breaking Benjamin.

"Don't we get to do anything other than this in this stupid story?!" they wailed in unison. The author ignored them and kept writing.

Ed, Al and Christin were walking to the bus stop when she picked up a shiny ring. Then someone appeared and told them they had to go to Mt. Doom to destroy the ring, so that's what they did the entire school year, and Christin was very happy because she didn't have to write those freaking 'What I Did over Summer Break' papers. Kimblee got all mad and stuff and tried launching straw (the kind you drink with) missiles at them as they skipped down the yellow brick road with a stupid lion and a gay robot, but it was pretty much useless so Pinako called him a retarded poopy brain and left for Russia to go find Hohenheim, who by this time had relocated to Australia to study Canadian bacon on the hit show 'How it's Made'.

Winry, Rose, Riza, Sheska, Lust, and May Chang tried to blow up the biology room, but they all got third degree burns and were rushed to the hospital Where Mr. Krabs employed them as fry cooks, making Spongebob and his magical dancing jellyseafishgulls feel like crap, so they turned into suicidal emo freaks and slit their wrists, but only the seajellyfishgulls died cuz I don't think Spongebob bleeds. Psiren escaped unharmed and tried to steal the ring Ed, Al and Christin were sent to destroy because it was her 'precious'.

Abel Nightroad popped up, as well as Prince Zuko and Hazuki from Moonphase, because they were the new lunch people since Maria Ross got thrown in jail for publicly talking to those suckers who have to dress up in a ridiculous costume to promote wherever they work, then jaywalking.

Envy and Gluttony just stared at each other because they couldn't think of anything to do until Havoc walked by and they began drawing on his face and commanding him to act like Jigglypuff.

The teachers were still engrossed in their year long Guitar Hero tournament, and Izumi decided she wanted to teach high school kids, so the new teacher was a bisexual pedophile named Mr. Garfiel. All the kids wisely cut class yet again. Greed was busy ransacking the court at Camelot until he was interrupted by singing and dancing knights from Monty Python's Holy Grail movie and recruited as Sir Greed, the greedy.

Sloth and Barry hacked into the world's computers and posted a zillion Trojan virus things in hopes of making the internet crash. They then made lame jokes about condoms.

Nothing was learned in third grade either, but we're all having fun, are we not? By the way, for anyone I forgot to write about, let's just say they all eloped and went to party in Cancun or something.


	5. Fourth Grade

Harry Potter and He… wrong story again?!?!?!?! Sheesh, whoever writes these opening bits should be fired. Scene one, take two, first day of fourth grade… ACTION!!!!!

"Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" Armony recited. The fourth grade class at Central Academy was preparing for the yearly Shakespeare play. They were doing 'Romeo and Juliet' because the author is too lazy to think of any other play he wrote except 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' but I think they're a little young for that.

"Squeeeeegaaaaaaa…" Ed groaned. He was trying to be a zombie because he didn't want to be Romeo. "You just made me do that cuz you don't know the next line!" he snapped at the author. She threw her big fat dictionary at him, along with various electronics, a submarine, and Edward Cullen.

"Brother, get it right!" Al urged. He was Ed's understudy and completely clueless about his lines even though they opened in two weeks.

"Al's right. Romeo is supposed to be this heroically heroic hero, and you're turning him into yesterday's tofu casserole!" Christin commented. She was Armony's understudy and really pissed off about it. She, being the odd prodigy, had already memorized all her lines as well as half of Ed and Al's.

"Stop, stop, stop!!" Roy cried. He was junior director, with Havoc, Riza and Sheska as his assistants. "Alphonse, take Ed's place." They obliged and the rehearsal continued.

"Why couldn't I be Juliet?" Winry whined. She and Rose were doing costumes.

"I wanted to be Romeo…" Envy mused. The Homunculi were doing sets and he sat in a little emo box, quietly painting a corner of the set neon yellow. Gluttony was locked up so he wouldn't eat the paint and die from lead poisoning.

"I don't know my lines!" Lin yelled. He was Mercutio or whatever the dude's name is. Romeo's buddy who dies.

"Dang it!! Screw this! Let's just show the movie version or whatever cuz I quit!!!" Roy raged.

"Sir, you can't quit. You were never hired in the first place. You volunteered because you wanted to boss Ed around." Riza corrected him.

"She does have a point." Sheska added. Havoc nodded and lit a cigarette. "Since when do you smoke?"

"Since he was put in charge." Havoc jerked his thumb at Roy.

"You're eight!" she cried.

"Then I'll die quicker." He replied, flicking the ashes at Russell, who was mopping up blood from Fletcher's bloody nose.

"Hey!" he cried. He brushed the grey stuff out of his hair and glared at Havoc, who wandered carelessly outside to take a nap. Fletcher reappeared, tissue plugging his nose. He was playing the mad scientist and some chemicals made him sneeze really really hard, giving him the bloody nose. His white and pink lab coat was stained red.

"Can I go home?" he half mumbled, his voice making that weird sound it does when you hold your nose and speak.

"Rumplestiltskin!!" Russell screamed before swan diving out a window and proceeding to act like Lara Croft. He landed head first in a rose bush and got stuck like that, but nobody cared.

Yoki and Scar sat in the back of the auditorium, listening to Vampire Weekend and Slipknot. Then they hooked up Christin's ipod to the sound system and started blasting Weird Al songs. (Yes, I have Weird Al on my ipod. And I can sing along to all six songs.)

Barry was employed by Abel Nightroad because he was dropping out of school to work in lost luggage, but first needed to be certified as a lunch person at an elementary school. So he spent his days making tofu casserole and cole slaw, merrily humming songs from 'Mary Poppins' as he worked.

Let's have a round of applause for our marvelous students, who, even though they never actually go to class, still move up through the grades! *applauds* All right that's enough. Now get out of here so I can write the next chapters. Go on, git.*shoos readers in direction of chapter 6, which is still under construction as of 10-26-09*


	6. Fifth Grade

…So I cried "Here!! Here's a Rub-a-Dub Dolly doll!!" (Katie, you'll love this) And he was all "Ohmygod, you saved my life." As he came floating out of the Atlantic Ocean, clutching that little doll like it was a life saver, even though the label specifically said "This is not a life saving device" but then he got bit by a dorkfish cuz he was still eating that freakin corndog. You know dorkfish love them corndogs. We're starting now? Oh, okay.

**IT'S THE SUPER-DUPER, ULTIMATELY COOL, EPIC BEAN SAUCE, SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICESPIALIDOCIOUS **(see, I can spell it, Katie, I just can't say it… 'course my brain's gonna suffer in English tomorrow but it's SO worth it) **FMA YEARBOOK HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY AM I SO EXCITED?! WHY DO I KEEP SCREAMING?! **B the way, its fifth grade now in case you dimwits didn't get that already. The chapters are numbered numerically (or would it be grade-ically??). I've never read a story where its chapters go 1, 17, 35, 6… …… Bill Engval rox my sox. Hee hee.

It was the big day – October 31. All Hallows Eve. Halloween. Samhain. The Night Kids Run Around Like Little Freaks In Costumes And Take Candy From Strangers Even Though Their Mommies Said 'Don't Take Candy From Strangers' Then Get Buzzed On Sugar And Spend The Next 24 Hours In A Coma-like Sleep Cuz The Sugar Fried What Was Left Of Their Young Brains. Whatever you wanna call it.

Everyone was getting ready for the big party at school. Lanfan entered the country illegally just for the party, even though the FBI might very well choose THIS SPECIFIC PARTY to chaperone out of all the parties in the country. We'll see how that develops. Anyway, she, Lin, and May dressed up like Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura, see, cuz they're all little ninja freaks and are all *insert karate noises here* all the time. Foo was the teacher dude I can never remember the name of and when I finally do remember it, I always confuse it with Itachi for some reason. I think its Kakashi or something, but I don't really care cuz I'm an FMA fan, not a Naruto fan.

Roy decided on dressing up like Elvis.

"Dude, I ain't letting you to wear that costume." Barry protested.

"Why not?" he whined, stomping his foot and pouting like a little girl.

"Because you can't under any circumstances, sing **any** of his songs. You're killing the king of rock all over again." He explained. At that moment, Havoc walked in, dressed like Michael Jackson. "NO." He said firmly. "You are not dressing up as Michael Jackson."

"But I'm supposed to be Envy." He replied, cigarette dangling from his mouth. Ten years old and he was already a chain smoker.

**Meanwhile… at Winry's…..**

"I don't wanna be Kairi! Kairi needs to die!" Sheska complained.

"But Winry's Sora, Armony's the Keyblade and I'm Riku. You need to be Kairi, Sheska!" Rose urged.

"I'd rather be King Mickey than Kairi." Sheska spat. "Can I be Demyx or Axel instead?"

"No. Kairi." Winry said. Sheska opened her mouth to speak. "No Roxas either!" Sheska closed her mouth and hung her head.

**Let's go to… wherever the Homunculi live.**

"Who're you supposed to be?" Gluttony asked, skeptically eyeing Envy's costume.

"I'm that Zuko person who keeps invading our fanfic!! Dude's got such great hair." Envy said, combing his fake Zuko ponytail with his fingers. "My costume's better than yours. What are you anyway, a ham?"

"I'm Pac Man. Cuz he eats everything. I eat everything. Pac Man and I are friends of the heart." Gluttony said so gaily he changed sexual orientation right then and there. Lust rolled her eyes.

"Please, just, please." She said.

"What're you?" Greed asked. He was dressed up as a stack of cash and had difficulty moving so he was propped up against the wall like a garden rake.

"Not _what, who._ I'm Hannah Montana, got a problem with that?" she snapped. All the Homunculi could be heard screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Nooooooooooooooo!!!...."

Al cocked his head like a dog that listens to a high pitched sound.

"Al?" Ed asked. "What's wrong?" Al shook his head.

"I thought I heard someone screaming." He said.

"Halloween spirit getting to ya?" Ed grinned mischievously.

"Are you knuckle-headed buffoons ready yet?" Christin called, banging on the door to the boys' room. The two jumped and nearly peed their pants. Well, Ed did. Al's a soul in a suit of armor (for those who didn't get that yet cuz I mentioned it in first grade or so) and it's kinda hard for a soul to pee in itself. At least, I would think it is. Hey if any of you soul attachments out there ever pee on yourselves, let me know so I can make that statement politically correct.

"Yeah, we're coming." Ed said as he opened the door.

"You're wearing a suit." She noted, eyeing the politician-esque black outfit. "What are you, the president?"

"I'm a Democratic Republican." He replied. Then he ripped off the suit cuz for a ten year old he has some insane muscles which led to a photo shoot that made the author think he was on steroids, but that's completely irrelevant except for his muscle-y-ness. "…who is secretly Superman!!" he cried. Christin eyed the red and blue spandex suit for a brief moment, then turned and walked away.

"My eyes… my virgin eyes…. You soiled my innocence you retarded piece of T-rex shit!!" she screamed. "Argh, I hate Halloween now!"

Two seconds later she walked back and resumed the conversation as if nothing had happened.

"Why are you so dirty, Al?" she asked.

"Have you ever seen a clean hobo?" he asked. She thought about it and shook her head.

"I see your point. You make a lovely hobo, Al." she grinned.

"You look like a pirate slut." Ed said, ogling at her costume.

"Pirate _wench_. I'm a wench, you moron." She slugged him.

"Why a wench?" Al asked sweetly.

"Cuz I can drink, I get to carry a sword and a gun, and I can still look shmexy." She stated simply. With that she left for the party, the two brothers following behind her.

**Now let's check up on our dirty fanfiction writing, polyamorous friends…**

"Look at me, I'm Ed!" Russell cried happily as he danced around his living room.

"You're a shrimp." Yoki said.

"Exactly!" Russell nodded, pointing an accusatory finger at him though there was nothing to be accused for.

"I'm a magical fairy princess!!" Scar sang, twirling around in his frilly pink princess dress, complete with a tiara and magic wand. He put glitter-sparklies in his hair and wore bright pink lipstick. Everyone retreated to a safe distance and watched his horrifying "Fairy Princess and the Magical Unicorn Buddy" dance he did. Fletcher walked in the room but soon shrank against the wall and scooted close to his brother for protection. He was dressed up as the Chihuahua from the old Taco Bell commercials and kept saying "Quiero Taco Bell" every time someone tried to talk to him. He did that at the party too until someone drove across the country to Taco Bell and got him a Mexican pizza which finally shut him up. Envy, being the douche bag that he is, wanted to have him spayed (or neutered. Whichever it is.).

At the party, everyone got drunk off sugar so they all went psycho and climbed to the roof to chuck pancakes and cooked broccoli and people driving by. One person got mad and chased them down with a bazooka, but got tired and went home to watch Seinfeld. Except Russell. When he got drunk off sugar, he went down to the bar next door (yes, there's a bar next to an elementary school) and signed up to be a stripper. Fletcher disowned him and moved in with Lanfan and them.

By the way, Barry dressed up as Cosmo from the Fairly Oddparents.


	7. Sixth Grade

Okay. This time I'm not going to give you and crappy, half assed openings. We're just going straight to the story…. After I tell you that I made a cake a few minutes ago (it's still Monday night. Writing this story is really easy.) And covered it with birthday cake frosting blue frosting. Oh… one time I ate a can thingie of frosting and was hyper for a week. It was the kewlest. Anyway, on to the story!!!! I swear I'm done talking trash about nothing you people would be interested in cuz you're not here with me.

Ed poked his lunch uncertainly. This morning it looked like plain ol' leftover shrimp fettuccini alfredo from Applebee's, but now he wasn't sure what it was. He thought he saw one of the shrimps move. Christin forked cake into her mouth happily. Ed was jealous. Christin made awesome cake—better stuff than Winry's pie—but she wouldn't let him have any.

"Pleeeeeeeeease?" he whined.

"You can have some when we get home, you asshole!" she snapped. Edward whimpered and gave her puppy dog eyes. She rolled hers and shoved the rest at him.

"I love youu!!" he sang.

"Yeah yeah…" she mumbled.

"Aww, you know I'm a sucker for sweet stuff." He grinned.

"Whatever." She said, banging her head on the table. "Why do we hang out?"

"Cuz we do." He replied. Al came back from the bathroom (he got his body back) and joined them.

"Christin, I have good news and bad news." He said, mooching off Ed.

"Spill." She ordered.

"Well, people think you're hot, but they don't want you." he replied. (Remember this Katie? By the way, my brother ate the rest of my gummies… poor penguins… OMG, readers!! Newsflash!!! There's a candy store downtown in Sonora (where I live) and they have **gummi penguins. They are soooo yummy!!!** Okay, back to the story…)

"Where'd you hear that?" she asked.

"You'd be amazed at what's written on bathroom walls." Al replied simply.

Russell is still working as a stripper so he won't be showing up in this chapter except for this sentence.

Roy and Havoc sat under a tree outside, smoking pot. Havoc got the smokes and Roy almost blew it up with his flame alchemy. Havoc then got pissed, called him a douche bag, took his pot and went to get stoned by himself. Roy went to go sulk in his emo box.

Winry, Sheska, Riza, Armony and Rose played with a hackey sack and nearly took ach others' heads off. They kicked it through a window and got detention for the rest of the month.

The author is too lazy to write about anyone else right now. Let's wait a few minutes and see who she didn't write about yet…… oh yes, I remember now.

Yoki and Scar tromped around campus, picking on little kids. They stole their lunch and kicked dirt in their shoes. Then they used Roy's stolen sharpie mini to write stupid things on the kids' faces and laughed at the stupid stuff the other wrote.

Lin, Lanfan, May, and Fletcher played jump rope, because that's what I used to do back in those grades. Actually, I still did it in my sophomore year in high school (I'm now a junior… and failing three of my classes!! And geometry isn't one of 'em yet!!!!! Woo-hoo!!!!!!!) (actually, I'm avoiding history homework as of the time I'm typing this, though I should be doing it cuz it's one of my classes I'm failing…..)

The teachers gave up on Guitar Hero and started a Dance Dance Revolution tournament instead. Coach Armstrong nearly broke the PS 2 when trying to set it up. Izumi was busy coughing up blood, so she didn't dance. But everyone else did.

The Homunculi were off hijacking a golf cart and spray painting random cars they passed.


	8. Seventh Grade

Yay!! Story time!!! **Shut up and sit down, its story time!!!!!!*snarl***

"We're sevvies. Sevvies. Se-e-e-evies!" Fletcher sang as he walked to his next class. Russell rolled his eyes and quickened his pace. He hated being called a 'sevvie' which was everyone's term for seventh grader. Last year it was 'sixie'. 'Sevvie' sounded much worse. (Actual terms from my elementary school) The two had taken zero period Jazz Band, so they had to be at school an hour earlier than everyone else.

Kimblee died in a golf cart and hot dog stand crash, so Ed, Al, and Christin became emancipated minors. They're busy moving out of the orphanage, so they get to skip this grade (chapter).

The big Valentine's Day dance was next week. Roy paced his bedroom nervously. Havoc sat on his bed and took a long drag from his cigarette. "Dude, can we just go to school already? Your room smells like a fireworks factory, all gun-powder-and-smoke-y."

"But I don't know who to ask to the dance!!" Roy whined. "Riza?... or Sheska? Maybe that Winry girl…. Or Rose?" he was still prattling off names as Havoc dragged him out the door and down the street to the bus stop. The entire bus ride to school, he kept listing hundreds of girls. Breda the Bus Driver got so pissed off that he threw him out a window. Roy bounced along the sidewalk before landing in a gutter and getting run over by the hot dog stand that killed Kimblee. He magically survived and commanded the meat to take him to school. The hot dogs obliged and Roy was chauffeured to school on a pile of grody hot dogs.

Scar and Yoki ditched to go bet on the tractor races downtown. They decided to join the Amestrian Tractor Racing Squad shortly after. The team manager rejected them and they joined the Amestrian Dodgeball Team. Scar was too buff and was constantly embedding the rubber balls in the opponent's heads, so he got suspended by his older brother, the dodgeball team manager.

Lanfan and May cut because a new mall was opening and they wanted to attack everyone and get freebies. They were arrested after robbing Cinnabon and that weird Sbarro place. They used their ninja magic to escape prison and met a blind guy driving a train who told them they would go on a journey like in O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Lin, meanwhile, had taken to hitting on every girl at school before finally asking Rose to the dance. Roy didn't care because according to Havoc, who had nothing better to do than jot down the names he rambled on a bout up until fifth period, he had 4,982 single girls to choose from. That's including everyone in the city from age 12 to age 29, not just girls at school.

Rose rejected him because 'his eyes were too squinty". Winry was pissed off because Ed wasn't at school meaning she would have to wait until tomorrow to ask him to the dance.

Actually, Ed, Al, and Christin will be reappearing briefly. After celebrating Kimblee's death and moving into their new home, they all got drunk on sake and climbed to the top of the Eiffel Tower and acted like a bunch of retarded King Kong's. Al fell off and Christin was sad, but then a very drunken Ed asked her to go to the dance with him. She agreed and poor Alphonse was left to be mauled by psychotic fangirls. But it's okay. He's totally wasted so it's not like he's gonna remember the unspeakable things they're planning to do to him. Truthfully, I saw him grinning like a complete fool as he was being bound in chains and dragged off. Probably the sake talking.

See? Really brief.

The Homunculi ditched their golf cart after it ran out of fuel, so they broke into the zoo and sprung the elephants and began riding them like people in India or whatever does. Then they broke into a chorus of the 'Prince Ali' song from Aladdin. That led to a very heated argument about the best musicals, which led to them signing **every single song** from The Sound of Music. (My English teacher did that this morning. She sang songs from The Sound of Music. I have English first period, so it really sucks, especially since I know at least some of the words to all the songs. I had that fucking Do-Re-Mi song stuck in my head until fourth period.)

I do have to wonder what my English teacher would say if she read these fanfictions… probably something about this being the reason I'm failing English or some shit like that. Oh well. I don't care.

Anyone who I forgot to mention got eaten by vending machines cuz they wouldn't get food from G4 or something. I can't remember what vending thingie our conversation was about, Katie!!!

By the way, i'll update my other stories and stuff later... y'know... eventually...


	9. Summer Break: NOTICE!

**TEMPORARILY DISCONTINUED UNTIL THE GODSEND TRILOGY IS COMPLETED! I apologize, but that is my main project now and I don't really have the right state of mind to continue work on this at the moment.**


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